Welcome to the World of Complete, Daily Misinformation
Eindhoven
– A 43-year old caterpillar operator is to become the first man in history
to use a one-armed bandit on the moon, according to reports issued by ESA,
the European Space Agency in Ghent. The training programme, due to commence
in August of 2005, is going to cost approximately 437 billion Euros and will
be completed by 2013. Scientists expect major insights from the experiment
into the workings of switch relays under solar influences in a lunar setting.
Windhoek
– Namibian scientists are supposed to have discovered that South African
park benches are on average 23% more comfortable than their European and
North American counterparts. Australian studies are already claiming
forthcoming challenges to these findings, which are expected to offset the
Namibian research results in the near future.
Brooklyn
– The presence of a ghostly pint of beer has terrified patrons of an inner
city pub in New York late last Saturday evening. The approximately
half-litre glass appeared on the oldest counter of the bar, and seemed to be
full of dark ale. It remained visible for about 7 minutes, then disappeared
without trace. Psychologists are still attending to those in need of
counseling.
Wollongong
– The nocturnal destruction of strawberry plantations by rampant carp from a
nearby pond continues unabated in the Australian province. The first reports
of these occurrences had come in in early 1986, when they were met by
wide-spread scepticism and ridicule. Meanwhile, the landscape around
Wollongong is entirely depleted of strawberries, and the roads in the
general area glisten with fish at night. The local government invites
explanations, promising a fair trial or other, applicable reciprocation to
those involved.
New
Delhi – A new generation of bafflingly simply constructed satellites has
been presented to the scientific community by Vimana Ltd., a young company
in northern India. The satellites are being assembled by volunteers who work
from home, making use of a wide range of wool scraps, household garbage, and
organic matter. The satellites are being shot into orbit using antiquated,
Russian field artillery. The outrageous failure rate of the satellites is
offset by the sensationally low production cost. According to experts, this
could be the kind of technology we will be seeing a lot more of in the
future.
Dundee
– The Scottish fire dog Bruno, owned by the Dundee fire brigade, has swum
away over the Firth of Forth, following an exercise late Tuesday evening. It
was later seen in a front garden in Dunfermline. Any suitable information
about the dog, which is fire proof and requires coolant on a regular basis,
will be processed by the Dundee fire brigade directly, or your nearest
police station.